Frequently Asked Questions About Children & Grief
- 1. HONESTY – How much do you share with your children about the impending death of a loved one?
Honesty is vital to helping a child cope with the loss of a loved one. Use simple, direct terms to share what is happening with the dying loved one at their level of understanding. Encourage questions and admit when you don’t have the answer. When children are included and prepared, you not only gain their trust, you gain the ability to be present for each other’s pain.
- 2. PROTECTION – Is the reality of death too much for children to process?
As Alan Wolfelt says, “If you are old enough to love you are old enough to grieve” Grief and mourning are natural responses to loss. Recognizing this inner capacity is important if we wish to help grieving children. Children need GRIEF ROLE MODELS rather than grief protectors. Grieving children will watch their family for cues about how to grieve. When we encourage children to teach us about their grief, we become participants in their reconciliation process.
- 3. EMOTIONS – Is it better to cry in private, in order to protect your children from the overwhelming pain of loss?
Many children will try to protect their parents from their feelings, fearing that if they express these feelings, they will make their parents sad (or cry). When adults model and talk about the expression of feelings, children learn to understand, accept and express their own feelings. The strong emotions that emerge within a child, after a loss, can be confusing and frightening. Discussion about all of these feelings will help children understand and cope with the internal intensity of grief.
- 4. GUILT – Is Magical Thinking so strong, that a child could blame themselves for a loved one’s death?
Yes, children may think that a mad word or thought might cause a bad think – like illness or death to occur. Children will not naturally reveal their thoughts of guilt, so it is very important for adults to address this possible thought. Children need reassurance that the death was not their fault.
- 5. FUNERALS OR MEMORIAL SERVICES - Should children be included in end of life activities?
The purpose of a funeral or memorial service is to celebrate the life of the one who has died. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross referred to the funeral as “the reality marker”. When children are excluded, without their permission, they are robbed of the chance to share in this celebration and gain an understanding of the truth of the death. Children should be given the opportunity to choose if they wish to attend after they are prepared for all that happens during a funeral or memorial service. If a child wishes to attend, having a “comfort buddy” (adult that the child trusts) available to provide needed breaks is a good idea. A child’s decision to attend or not attend should be respected and not weighed with praise or guilt responses. Children can also be given a choice in how they wish to contribute to the service. Some may wish to activity participate, others may have someone else read what they would like to share. Once again, giving them a choice is what will be remembered and treasured years after the service.